Thursday, 27 February 2014


Power Ranger Sammy
Sammy: Dad, dad, dad, dad.

Dad: Yes?

Sammy: I need to be a Power Ranger today. Where's my costume?

Dad: Sorry Sam, it's in the wash.

Sammy: But I need to be Power Ranger dad. I need to. I need to. I HAVE TO!

Meltdown is imminent.

Dad: What about your other costumes? How about being Batman?

Sam: No.

Dad: Doctor Who?

Sam: No!

Dad: Knight? Oh! Spy! How about a spy?

Sammy: NO! I want to be a Power Ranger!

Dad: (sigh). Oh Sammy. I wish you could be, but there's nothing I can do. Hey, I know. How about you just be Sam today? You know, for a change.

Sammy stares at Dad for a few seconds as though he's just said the stupidest thing ever.

Sammy: Dad. I haven't even got a 'Sam' costume. I don't even knows who he is, you crazy head! Erm...  If you buy me one I might wear it though...

Dad: I..  It's not a... Sam,  he's...  Let's get your Power Rangers costume out the wash shall we? Come on.

Saturday, 22 February 2014

The Meeting

Sat on the sofa watching the Rugby with Sam. Emily enters, dressed in her best clothes, looking very serious and important:

Emily: Sammy, we've been called to a meeting upstairs.
Sam: Aw man. Meetings are boring.
Emily: (whispers) It's the OSS Sam! I've been promoted!
Sam: But it's a meeting. It's boring...
Emily: It's important Sam.
Sam: I'm watching the cricket with Dad.
Dad: Rugby.
Sam: Rugby. Yeah. I love rugby.
Emily: Sam. They won't be impressed...
Sam: (sighs) okaaaay...
Emily: Get your jacket on Sam. We've got to make a good impression.

Sam, reluctantly, stands and puts on his jacket and Emily starts to fuss with his clothes.

Dad: What's the OSS?

Emily: Organisation of Super Spies.
Dad: Oh.
Sam: Can I take a pet?
Emily: No. It's a meeting Sam, not a trip to the park.
Sam: It's a dragon. Toothless, my pet Dragon.
Emily: Oh. That's okay. Dragons are allowed.
Sam: He breathes fire
Emily: Not at the meeting he doesn't

Sammy picks up a plastic pole.

Emily: What's that?
Sam: My sword.
Emily: Sam! This is an important meeting, with important people, you can't take swords.
Sam: But we might meet some baddies on the way.
Emily: We won't
Dad: What's this meeting about?
Emily: If I tell you Dad, I'll have to kill you. Come on Sam.

Sam follows Emily out the room, still holding his sword and their conversation slowly fades away as they go up stairs.

Sam: Look! Emily! Baddies!
Emily: No, there isn't. Come on we're late for the meeting.
Sam: But meeting are boring, I just want to fight baddies.
Emily: Well not today.
Sam: Look! Behind the door, baddies!
Emily: No
Sam: Ghost zombie baddies?
Emily: No
Sam: Aw man.
Emily: I've made an agenda, it's upstairs.
Sam: Agenda! I remember when being a spy was fun
Emily: I know. But times change Sam. Times change.
Sam: This is gonna be a long day....

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

The Radio

Cooking in the kitchen with the kids and the radio playing in the background:

Radio: Let's go to the phone lines and our first caller is Sam. Hello Sam...

Sammy: (Gasps) ARRGGGHHH!

Dad: (panicked) What? What's the matter?

Sammy is speechless. He just starts jabbing his finger at the radio.

Dad: What? What is it Sammy?

Sammy: Dad! I'm on the radio. What do I do?

Dad: What?

Sammy: (whispering) The radio dad! They just said I'm on it. I don't know what to say!

Emily: You're not the only Sam in the world, you know?

Sam: Quick (Starting to panic) Please dad! What shall I do?

Dad: Are you serious? Sam... I...

Emily: (sighs) Sam! It's. A. Different. Sam.

Sam: Really? Phew! I didn't know what I was gonna do then. That, was a close one.

Dad: You are being serious.

Sam: Things almost got crazy then dad. Ph-ew.

Dad: Almost?

A New Level of Quiet

Emily and Sam: Night time explorers.
Overheard last night, creeping down the stairs:

Emily:(loudly whispering) Shhhhhhhh, Sam. We've got to be quiet.
Sam: Okay
Emily: Really quiet Sam.
Emily: The quietest you've ever been
Sam: Okay
Emily: Quieter than a mouse
Sam: Okay
Emily: Quieter than a REALLY quiet mouse, Sam
Sam: Okay
Emily: On ice
Sam: On ice?
Emily: Yes Sam. A mouse on ice. Ice. That quiet.
Sam: Okay
Mum: BED!
Sam and Emily: Awwwwwwww.

Feet clomp back upsatirs.

Tuesday, 11 February 2014


Sammy in spy mode.
 Slow Motion has become a bit of a buzz word in our house when it comes to Sammy. We were at the pool a few days ago watching Emily's swimming lesson. Me (Dad), Archie and Sam were sat beside the pool, it was very busy, and the boys were getting restless:

Sam: Dad, can I go for a run?

Me: No Sam. Look how busy it is. Why don't we read your book?

Sam: But I'm a spy dad! I've got to do running. Just to the other end of the pool and back? Please?

Me: No Sam! There's too many people here. Besides it says no running. Look. See.

Sam: What about slow motion running? Spies run in slow motion on TV.

Archie starts to crawl in the other direction and I go to get him.

Sam: Please dad, please!

Me: Okay, okay. Super slow mo though, okay and don't run!

Sam: I promise. (talking to his wrist) Okay. Let's do this! Go. go .go.

I manage to retrieve Archie and turn back around to see Sammy set off on the slowest, slow motion run I have ever seen. Each step must take him about 6 or 7 seconds to complete and he has the whole pool and back to cover!

As he passes each of the adults sat down there is a beautiful moment where their expressions turn from confusion to comical and then sheer delight. Sammy is oblivious to everyone around him - just concentrating purely on his super slow-mo running; following his arms and legs with his eyes to ensure they are in sync, and his movement is perfect! Every now and again he raises his wrist to his mouth (in slow motion) and speaks:

Sam: Ruuuuuuunnnnnn. Coooonnntaaaaccct maaaaade...

It takes him almost 6 minutes to cover the whole distance and by the end of it every eye in the room is watching his epic run and every mouth is grinning from ear to ear. There is even a ripple of applause when he finishes. Sam is oblivious to it all though. I have never seen him so concentrated, controlled or as disciplined as he was on that run. And for Sammy, as soon as it was over it was as though nothing ever happened:

Me: (amazed) Sammy. That was incredible.

Sam: Thanks Dad. He got away though, I was too slow. Have you got any crisps?

Saturday, 8 February 2014

Chewing Gum

Sammy runs into the room excitedly:

Sammy: Dad, dad. Dad. Um... You know that thing... I mean, what's that thing in your mouth?

Dad: In my mouth? Nothing.

Sammy: No. No.The thing in my mouth. What's it called? The one that blows up. Look watch.

Sammy sticks out his tongue.

Dad: Your tongue?

Sammy: Nooo. You know, it's pink and it goes pop. What's that called?

Dad: In your mouth?

Sammy: Yeah

Dad: In your mouth right now? Ummm. Tonsils?

Sammy: No.

Emily: (big sigh) He's talking about chewing gum dad, everybody knows that

Sammy: Yes! Chewing gum

Dad: But you haven't got any chewing gum in your mouth.

Sammy: Haven't I? What's this then?

Sticks out his tongue again.

Dad: Your tongue.

Sammy: Oh... (pause for thought) Oh! Dad. Imagine my tongue is chewing gum. Watch this...

Sammy slowly sticks out his tongue until it can go no further then shouts.

Sammy: POP! Woah! Did you see that Dad? Did you see the size of that bubble? I love chewing gum Dad. It's great. Do you want a go?

Dad: I... To be honest Sam, I'm not sure what's going on right now

The Confession

Sam decided to confess something to us just before his friend Poppy came to Emily's birthday party:

Dad: How buddy, how was school?

Sam: Oh, good thanks dad. Well... There is one thing... I... Well I...

Dad: It's okay buddy, you don't need to be embarrassed. What is it?

Sam: You know my friend Poppy? Well... (blushes) She's actually my girlfriend. And I... (whispers) I just asked her to marry me.

Sam bashes himself on the head and rolls his eyes.

Dad: Really? What did she say?

Sam: (giant grin) She said yes! But then I said I would only marry her if she agreed to live in a giant metal pumpkin! And do you know what dad - she said yes again! WOO HOO!

Dad:...good... I think...

Sam: If you don't ask you don't get - that's what you say, and I'm getting a giant metal pumpkin. This is such a great day.

Thursday, 6 February 2014

The Game.

Sat with the kids in the front room.

Mum: Okay. What shall we do?

Emily: Play a game, play a game. I've got one I made up. And it's fine mum, it's a game that EVERYONE can play.

Mum: What do we do?

Emily: There's a level for everyone mum, so that everyone can play. So the first is the Girl's Level. In the girls level you have to climb down the stairs - it's a race see? - swim through the water before the SPIN-NING DEAAATH gets you, then jump over the banana skins. Then there's the Boy's Level: so you run through all the people - like this - jump across the pointy things, dodging the grabbers and swing across the water.

Mum: Oooh. Sounds fun. Let's give it a go then.

Emily: No wait, there's a Grandma Level too - anybody can play this game mum. So Grandma's have to have crutches and they cross the road, get through the front door and find the tele controller and sit down. Shall we play it?


Sam: Mum, what's for tea?

Mum: Pizza.

Sam: Aw man. I hate pizza.

Mum: No. You love pizza.

Sam: ....(thinking)...oh great! What's that?

Mum: Mozzarella.

Sam: Aw man, I hate mozzarella.

Mum: Nooo. You love mozzarella too. It goes on your pizza.

Sam: Mmmmm.(eyes bulge) I love mozzarella, I'm going to be a mozzarella eating machine. Mmmmm mmmm. Yeah, I always love mozzarella.

Sam goes to leave before turning around to check something.

Sam: It's chicken. Isn't it Mum? ?

Building Clouds

Walking past some noisy roadworks with Archie.

Archie: (singing his travelling theme tune) *ta daa da ta da dah da ta da da* Oh! oh! What's that noise?

Dad: It's the builders Archie - look - bang banging away.

Archie: Ooooohhh. Are they building the clouds?

Dad: Ha ha, no. They're building the roads.

Archie: No daddy. No. Building the clouds.

Dad: Nooo. The roads.

Archie: STOP IT DADDY! NO! Building clouds.

Dad: But look - they're bashing the roads.


Dad: I... er... what...


Dad: Erm... God?

Archie: Nooooo. Builders build clouds. Builders.

Dad: ...okay

Archie: (happy again) *dah da ta da dah* Oh, oh, look daddy. Builders.

Dad: Are they building clouds?

Archie: No. Silly daddy. Builders build roads. *ta da dah ta da* Silly daddy building clouds. *da da ta dah da* 

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

The Trip.

Sunday afternoon. Emily comes bundling into the front room, out of breath, carrying three full rucksacks closely followed by a smiley Sam carrying another three bags.

Emily: (out of breath) Phew! What a nightmare. I'm not doing that again.

Dad: What's going on? Why all the bags?

Emily: Oh! I'm taking Sam on a trip to Bethlehem but it's further than we thought and the donkey just ran away, so we're having to carry everything.

Dad: Oh no.

Emily: It's okay. I've got a driving license for coaches and we're hiring one here for the trip back.

Dad: Here? So this is Bethlehem?

Emily: Yeah, but our hotel is double-booked so we don't know where we're going to stay. It's a disaster. Literally a disaster.

Dad: Let me guess, Sammy is called Jesus?

Sam: Jesus! No! I'm a karate student.

Emily: There is a chap called Jesus though who said we can share his stable

Dad: That's nice.

Emily: Yeah, but we had to say no. We're off to the cinema to watch Frozen. Come Sam, we're gonna be late. Bye Dad.

Sam: Bye!

Dad: ...bye...

Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Writing with your Mouth.

Sammy: (unbelievably excited) Mummy, Mum! You won't believe this look - I can write my own name! Woo hoo!

Mum: Really?!

Sammy: Watch this (ahem) - S...A...M...MALL....AG...HAN. See. I just wrote my name with my mouth.

Mum: Yeah... Sammy, we call that talking...

Sammy: Really? Aw man. I thought I'd got it then.

Mum: You need to start with a pencil...

Sammy: Pencil? That's crazy. I just wrote it with my mouth, I don't need a pencil you crazy head!

Read This One.

Home, entertaining the poorly 2 year old:

Archie: Story Daddy, Story!

Dad: Okay, what shall we read?

Archie: This one. Read this one.

Dad: That's an instruction manual. Why don't we read this instead?

Archie: (collapses in a fit of despair) Noooooooo! Read this one. This one. THIS ONE.

Dad: Okay okay. Listen, it's boring - Chapter 1. Installation. Chapter 1.1 Wiring the speakers....

Archie: (settles down with a smile and attentively listens) Ahhhhhh

Dad: Really?  Really?... (sigh) Okay. Okay... ...take wire A - fig. 1 - and insert into corresponding - red and grey - ports...

Archie finds his happy place.


So Sam is pretty obsessed with Doctor Who at the moment. He spent the best part of an hour wandering around the house shouting in his best Delek voice:


"Sammy, Sammy - It's just Exterminate"


"Sammy - it's Exterminate"

"I know, I know, Jeez. I know how to count. EX-TER-MIN-8-9-10"

"But Sammy, your... nevermind"

The Science Lab.

Sam: Erm. Mum. I've got something to tell you.

Mum: Okay.

Sam: I've got a secret science lab

Mum: Okay

Sam: When I go there though, I mostly just learn songs about God (sighs)

Mum: ...okaaaay...

The Wire Trap

Emily: It's Christmas Eve! Wake up! Quick. We need to prepare the wire trap!

Dad: (sitting up sharply) Wire Trap?!

Emily: For Santa. Oh and I might need some cogs.

Dad: ........

Poor Santa. Gonna be a busy day.

8 gruelling hours later the Wire Trap is set (with moving cogs and everything):
Emily: Maybe I should leave a note on the door telling Santa to visit us last in case we actually catch him. That way all the other kids will still get their presents...

Pause for thought.

Emily: No, no, no. What am I thinking! Come on Emily - let's get him!

Like I said, Poor, poor Santa...

Christmas Questions

In the build up to Christmas 2013, I get home late after work one day to discover Emily had plastered the house in notes and directions to help Santa find his way around because "we do live in a big house now daddy".
Most are arrows pointing where to randomly leave presents, including a rather tricky "Which way now" tree picture; This way? Yes? Maybe? No! 
But the highlight is the questionnaire - "to check that he's the real deal daddy". Questions include: Wot ARE you? Wot do you wear? Wot do you WANT!

Woof Woof's Birthday.

From November 2013:

We're having a Birthday Breakfast this morning, with presents, decorations, the whole hog. It's for Emily's pet dog Woof Woof.

Woof Woof is invisible.

This Birthday Breakfast however, and my life, is all too real....

- Dad

Naked Trees

Emily: You know, trees are basically the opposite of us. There leaves are clothes right? And when it gets cold they take all their clothes off and get naked and when it's hot they put all their clothes on again.

Dad: Yeah. I guess so. I've never thought of it like that before.

Emily: Except Evergreens though. They're like Mummy really - cold whatever the weather

Morning Glory.

Lisa's friend, Tori, stopped over last night. Sam and Emily were both very excited. This morning though, whilst helping with breakfast, Sam had a little trouble with her name:

Sam: (shouting upstairs) Glory! Breakfast is ready.
Dad: (whispers) Her name's Tori.
Sam: Okay. Jewellery! What do you want for breakfast?
Dad: Her name's Tori, Sam. Tori.
Sam: Right. (Pause) What's her name again?
Dad: To-ri
Sam: (shouting) Do you want a crumpet Terry?

Rain is Musical.

I loved Emily's description of rain today after she decided I had got the 'type' of rain wrong as we sat on the top deck of the bus looking out:

"Once you realise that rain is musical, it's much easier to understand.  So you get 'Pop' rain which is just kinda normal - you know *duh da duh da duh* - which is pretty boring but sometimes fun. Then there is the 'Rock 'n' Roll' rain, that's like storms and stuff like, *dun dun da De dun dun da* - that's the best type, I love that. And then you've got this rain now, it's hardly raining - that's just 'Ballet Music' rain. It's pretty, but not much fun".


So, to be clear, we've got Ballet rain here today.

Banana Foot

From October 2013:

Sat at breakfast, when Archie suddenly attempts to hold his first conversation - it seems to be something that has been bugging him for some time:

Archie, impossibly raising his leg over his head, points with concern to his foot.

Archie: Uh oh! My foot is a banana.
Mum: Good words Archie! Do you want a banana?
Archie: No! NO! My foot IS a banana.
Mum: Oh... What shall we do about it?
Archie: Eat an apple.
Mum: Eat an apple.
Archie: (excited) Apple?! Yes. Eat an apple. Yes please.

Archie's eyes slowly return to his foot.

Archie: Ba-na-na foot. Uh oh! Banana foot!


Sammy enters the room.

Sam: (big sigh) Oh man, don't get me started on snakes....
Mum: What snakes?
Sam: The ones that bite me all the time in the jungle world. Oh man - they just don't stop in the jungle world (sighs)
Mum: Jungle world?
Sam: Yeah. The second world I'm in.
Mum: And this is the first one?
Sam: Nooooooo! (rolls eyes). The Batcave is the first world, talk about bats, this is the other world.
Mum: Other world. Real World.
Sam: And then there's the time I was that alien, do you remember mum?
Mum: Erm no...
Sam: Yeah, they just wanted me to turn bad remember? All bad, they just kept saying it and I was saying no, no, no. Boy, THAT was a looong day. Jeez. Anyway. I'm hungry. Watch out for those snakes. (Starts to sing his theme tune) *tra la trilly trilly tra la trilly*

Sam exits the room. Mum stares at the empty space.

The Arch Enemy.

Walking kids home from school. From behind us we hear a little voice shouting:

"Emily, Emily, Emily!"

We turn around to see a smiley lad and his dad waiting to cross at the lights. Suddenly Emily's eyes narrow and she shifts her body into a defensive stance:

"Isaac. My Arch Enemy....."

The smile disappears from the boys face as he mimics her stance and replies:

"Yes. I am."

They stare at each other motionless, as if waiting for the other to make the first move, then the lights at the crossing change and suddenly Emily smiles and skips off as if nothing happened:

"Bye Isaac"

Boy crosses the road smiling:

"Bye Emily"

Me and the boys Dad exchange a WTF look and know we just got a glimpse into an entirely different world.

Superhero's in Disguise

Not a Mini Mallaghan this one - but absolutely cut from the same cloth:

Standing in a queue Dan notices a 4 year old boy in front of him wearing a Superman T-shirt and red cape.

Dan: It's great to know that Superman is here. Makes us all feel safer.

Boy: (looks suspiciously from side to side before whispering) Shhhhhh! I'm in disguise.

The boy lifts up his Superman t-shirt to reveal a Spiderman outfit underneath


The Sweet Tooth.

From September 2013:

Emily, declared this morning that she has just realised the last tooth she lost was actually her sweet tooth.

"I'm pretty devastated to be honest. Pudding is my favourite meal of the day"

In other news, Sam has declared that he will only be known as Batman this week.

Philosophical 6 year old.

Sorting through some old clothes. Emily enters.

Emily: No! You can't throw out that top!
Me: It's old Milly, I never wear it.
Emily: But you've done too many things in it.
Me: What? It's just a top...
Emily: It's not just a top now though, it's a memory. It's full of them. Do you want to throw your memories away?
Me: I... Erm...
Emily: Do you?

Emily huffs, takes the top and leaves the room shaking her head.

The Magic Trick

Dad is sat being unreasonably busy with stuff that doesn't involve kids...
Milly: Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad.
Me: What?
Milly: Do you want to see a magic trick?
Me: Not now honey, I'm in the middle of something.
Milly: Please. Please. It's a-ma-zing. I've been practising for ages. Please? Please.
Me: Okay, okay but be quick.
Milly: Right, watch with amazement whilst I make this chain NOT disappear.
Me: Mill...
Milly: Shhhhh! TA-DA!
Me: .........
Milly: See. It's still there.
Me: Are you serious?
Milly: God dad. Get an imagination. Jeez.


Sam wanders sleepily into the bedroom...

Sam: Dad, what do you get if you cross Batman with Doctor Who?

Dad: (yawning) I don't know, what?

Sam: ME!

Sam Kung Fu dances out of the room singing his own theme tune. A tear of pride wells in the corner of Dad's eye.

First Words.

From March 2013.

We are incredibly proud to announce that Archie has said his first word. And the word is 'Kung Fu'.

Sammy might have had something to do with this.

Anything you wish for.

This is the earliest 'kid conversation' I can find once we started to write them down and share them with friends, so it seems appropriate to be the first post here. It's from March 2012:

Sat having lunch when Mummy decides to ask the kids a question:

Mum: Okay, Emily, Sam. If you could have anything you wish for in the whole world what would it be?. 

Emily: A light bulb in my head!

Dad: You mean, an idea? You want to have ideas?

Emily: No. I mean actually a light bulb in my head. A proper one that lights up.

Mum: Okay... er... Sammy?

Sammy: Um... er... hmmm....

Dad: There must be something?

Sammy: Well... Um... (looks across table) Oh! Could I have Emily's sandwich?

Emily: Sure, here you go.

Sammy: Yes!! Thank you

Emily: So do I got a light bulb then? Sammy did get his sandwich

Mum & Dad: ........